Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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