he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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