my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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