Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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