sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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