promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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