just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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