i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
