I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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