Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
