why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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