I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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