Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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