pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
