I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
