Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
