woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
