Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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