I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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