Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
