Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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