Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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