I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
