You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
