if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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