I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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