why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
