Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
