just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
