If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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