Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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