My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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