I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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