We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
