Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
