I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
