There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize