UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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