why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
