Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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