evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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