I think i peed on brittanys purse
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
