i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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