Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
