She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
