of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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