is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
