Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
