My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
