babies were throwing up all over the place
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
