I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Vodka?
Forever.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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