you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
