She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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