i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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