I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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