smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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