Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
