You're so nebulous sometimes
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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