Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
