I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
