Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
