So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
